Up until this point we had assumed that the computer was merely buggy and unstable. After all, after all the driver installs it was now working fine. Games installed and everything, even on the 46" TV. Beautiful.
"Windows has installed an update becuase we forgot to program something important into the software before we sold it to you, you must restart"
Restart.
"ERROR: Windo-"
Restart.
"ERROR: Windo-"
Restart.
"ERROR: Windo-"
Hmmmmmmm....
OK Safe Mode.
Control Panel. Computer Management.
Error Log.
No errors recorded.
Hmmmmmmm....
Probably that "Update" that did it, let's system restore.
"You cannot system restore, because Windows didn't make any restore points."
Shiiiit!
OK well restart and click on- oops forgot to click, oh well let's just wait for it to crash again and then we'll...
Windows boots.
Perfectly.
For no reason.
And so followed a cat an mouse game over the next several days. We would install a patch or some other likely fix and the problem would go away until we least expected it but then when out bags were turned.
BAM.
Crash.
We eventually got Windows to stop restarting long enough to tell us the error
"Windows has had an unknown error in THE REGISTRY, which has rendered Windows BRUCK UP, you must reinstall windows, or buy a Mac in order to continue using this computer.
Error Number: 0x000thismakesnodifferenceasnotevenWEknowwhattheymean.LoveMicrosoft.
P.S. This has happened because YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AND NOONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU"
OK, so the last bit was an exaggeration.. it didn't say we have No friends
It said we only have a small number...
Perhaps not enough to prove the computer had evolved into a sadistic and evil being? Read on...
Monday, 21 April 2008
Drivering Us Mad
"Welcome To Windows Vista, Windows will now calculate how much of your immense system resources it can reasonably use up and then double that figure just for the fun of it".
At last, the welcome screen we had waited for for now nearing 4 hours of installation time. There it was.
"Click On this shiny button to continue onto your desktop"
Click.
"Now preparing you windows deskto-"
Crash. Reboot.
"Sorry about that, you see windows needs some Drivers to work properly. Normal versions of Windows just allow you to boot up without them and install them later but Vista really needs them RIGHT NOW."
Very Well.
"Oh no but you can't install them, can you? Cos you need to be IN vista to do that, and vista can't work without drivers..."
Ah well, I've worked in a computer shop for 8 years I know all about-
"Safe mode? Don't think so buddy. All you can do in there is realise that your computer has the capacity to work, but simply doesn't. Sorry"
Much swearing and random restarting with errors logs and all sorts later.
Windows boots perfectly. For no reason.
At All.
Install drivers.
It's fine...
...or is it?
At last, the welcome screen we had waited for for now nearing 4 hours of installation time. There it was.
"Click On this shiny button to continue onto your desktop"
Click.
"Now preparing you windows deskto-"
Crash. Reboot.
"Sorry about that, you see windows needs some Drivers to work properly. Normal versions of Windows just allow you to boot up without them and install them later but Vista really needs them RIGHT NOW."
Very Well.
"Oh no but you can't install them, can you? Cos you need to be IN vista to do that, and vista can't work without drivers..."
Ah well, I've worked in a computer shop for 8 years I know all about-
"Safe mode? Don't think so buddy. All you can do in there is realise that your computer has the capacity to work, but simply doesn't. Sorry"
Much swearing and random restarting with errors logs and all sorts later.
Windows boots perfectly. For no reason.
At All.
Install drivers.
It's fine...
...or is it?
Vista Strikes
After creating a RAID array that the computer didn't like and watching the tediously slow install of Vista crash time and time again we loudly swore at the computer, swapped some leads, and found it working at last. But not for long...
..."No hard disk", Vista reported, "F**k you, Vista", we replied "we have more hard disks than your fat momma has McDonald's lunches". We didn't really, cos we knew you have to install the drivers, but where's the fun in that?
Anyway, Vista, being so "helpful" allows you to install drivers off a USB key. Fine. Restart again with a USB key with drivers installed.
Hard disk found.
Next.
"Windows can see you have a hard disk, and that it works, and that it's big enough but ALAS it can't use it due to unspecified error 0x00000000"
Nads
"Oh and to add insult to injury, you can't just try again, Windows Installation must now quit, forever, and make you start again. Have a good day."
Fine. Restart. This time partition and format the drive. How do you like THEM bananas, Vista?
"Not much, actually, STILL can't see a Hard Disk. Despite having just let you partition and format it and it being all lit up in this pretty list"
Restart again. No other choice.
Thankfully, we had a good old Windows XP machine at hand with which to browse the internet and look up the answer.
And the answer is this: If vista boots up with a USB drive plugged in, it will assume (despite it not listing it, or telling you about it's assumptions) that you want to install it on the USB key, and OBVIOUSLY you don't have enough space (for Vista ~1-2TB minimum install), you STUPID user, why were you trying to install it on a USB key??!?! Haven't you heard of a Hard Disk?.
Eventually got it to see the disk and installation continued...
...and so did the fun.
..."No hard disk", Vista reported, "F**k you, Vista", we replied "we have more hard disks than your fat momma has McDonald's lunches". We didn't really, cos we knew you have to install the drivers, but where's the fun in that?
Anyway, Vista, being so "helpful" allows you to install drivers off a USB key. Fine. Restart again with a USB key with drivers installed.
Hard disk found.
Next.
"Windows can see you have a hard disk, and that it works, and that it's big enough but ALAS it can't use it due to unspecified error 0x00000000"
Nads
"Oh and to add insult to injury, you can't just try again, Windows Installation must now quit, forever, and make you start again. Have a good day."
Fine. Restart. This time partition and format the drive. How do you like THEM bananas, Vista?
"Not much, actually, STILL can't see a Hard Disk. Despite having just let you partition and format it and it being all lit up in this pretty list"
Restart again. No other choice.
Thankfully, we had a good old Windows XP machine at hand with which to browse the internet and look up the answer.
And the answer is this: If vista boots up with a USB drive plugged in, it will assume (despite it not listing it, or telling you about it's assumptions) that you want to install it on the USB key, and OBVIOUSLY you don't have enough space (for Vista ~1-2TB minimum install), you STUPID user, why were you trying to install it on a USB key??!?! Haven't you heard of a Hard Disk?.
Eventually got it to see the disk and installation continued...
...and so did the fun.
The Beginning
It seems so long ago now, those days before Judgment Day, when UberSam came on-line and began to evolve intelligence. I can scarecly remember how it began.
It was a grey, listless day as I drove back to Nottingham with a car full of top spec computer components, a dark storm cloud was visible on the horizon and the air sparked with a dangerous energy that foreshadowed the events to come. Future generations may remark "I do not know who striked first, but I do know it was us who scarred the sky" and they'd be wrong. We live in England, Morpheus, that's how it is here, OK?
Anyway, we started building the computer at around 3pm. After carefully installing all the components we waited in anticipation for the big switch-on, having first rerouted power from all the major UK grids to our living room in order to provide enough energy for the machine. Alas, disaster, we hit the on button and nothing happened. We tried again, with a new lead, we tried again, tying up a small nuclear reactor to the video card to try and help. But nothing.
Reexamination of the wiring revealed an Apollo 1 esque error. I had plugged the power supply directly into the "Fan 2 Out" connector on the motherboard and it was shorting the whole thing out. Once removed it booted...
...and that's where the fun began.
It was a grey, listless day as I drove back to Nottingham with a car full of top spec computer components, a dark storm cloud was visible on the horizon and the air sparked with a dangerous energy that foreshadowed the events to come. Future generations may remark "I do not know who striked first, but I do know it was us who scarred the sky" and they'd be wrong. We live in England, Morpheus, that's how it is here, OK?
Anyway, we started building the computer at around 3pm. After carefully installing all the components we waited in anticipation for the big switch-on, having first rerouted power from all the major UK grids to our living room in order to provide enough energy for the machine. Alas, disaster, we hit the on button and nothing happened. We tried again, with a new lead, we tried again, tying up a small nuclear reactor to the video card to try and help. But nothing.
Reexamination of the wiring revealed an Apollo 1 esque error. I had plugged the power supply directly into the "Fan 2 Out" connector on the motherboard and it was shorting the whole thing out. Once removed it booted...
...and that's where the fun began.
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